Thursday, January 10, 2013

Good-bye Old Hags

Seems like the year after the Olympics is always a good time to clean house. Get rid of the junk that has stayed around, sometimes far too long. After 2012 the women’s peloton has seen a departure of a few hags that we are shamelessly happy to be rid of.

Let’ start with Anne Samplonius. Very high on the hag factor and she is gone, gone gone.


Okay, so maybe she was good and had a decent (long) career and her second to last season was not so bad for a cranky Canuck – but what the heck did she do in 2012?  Not much. Sure she had Alison “politely mean” Powers on her team in 2012 so she was relegated to a workhorse, but still – her age seemingly caught up to her and she was not the Anne of old, but rather old Anne.  Yep – it was time for this hag to go.

We say thank you Anne, au revoir, and politely we will forget you very quickly – like we do to all ex-women pro cyclists. 

Does anyone even know the name Leontien van Moorsel? How about Julie Young?  Jeanne Golay? All long forgotten. Unless you attach or marry yourself to a man-pro, like Dede Demet-Barry, or Jessica (Phillips) van der Garden, once you leave the female pro ranks you are wiped clean from the slate of women’s pro cycling. Our memories are short, our brains whirled in circles with all that excessive pedaling: it’s not our fault.

Of course, even those who try to return do so in relative anonymity, unless you have red hair and a vibrant personality to match (more on her in a bit). Take for example that pocket-sized Italian, Fabiana Luperini, quite the star in her day, with a list of palmarès that ranks her as one of the best female cyclists ever – so what if she cycled the “Italian way”, eating the breakfast of champions consumed by the likes of Lance Armstrong, et al.  She won, and she won big. But no one even knew she raced the Exergy Tour this year, she hid at the back, not the same Lupi of old where she shot up climbs faster than down.

But I digress.

Who else departed our ranks?  Well Ina-Yoko Tuetenberg teeter-tottered on the fence so long even she was not sure which way she would fall.  Finally she landed back in the peloton, and thus we cannot say gute nacht and send this hag to bed - yet.  Ina your time will come and you too will be hagged.

We did get rid of another German: Judith Arndt.  She is one helluva talented hag and she went out in style by winning the coveted rainbow jersey in the Worlds TT and had lesbians all over the world in tears of joy. However, the beloved rainbow will not be worn with PRIDE in the peloton for 2013 and our condolences go out to the LGBT cycling crowd.  

The best sorority sister in the women’s peloton had to be Kristin Sanders and she departed us early in the season. She will be missed, undoubtedly, by envious female cyclists who always wanted to have that boob job but never had the guts to do it. Sanders made a great PR stab at returning to racing with two legs, rather than the one she claimed to race on for years due to who-the hell-knows-what problem. 2012 was to be her breakthrough, comeback season – she was healed – she had lofty goals – and she promptly fell flat on her ass at Redlands.  Kudos for her to pull the plug ASAP. Not too many hags can do that! She has since entered the world of bodybuilding – and she has the blonde hair, the body and boobs to pull that off. Good-bye hag and good-luck bodybuilders everywhere.

The biggest over-achiever in women’s cycling also left us: Nicky Wangsgard. Perhaps not quite as haggard as the others, but definitely one cyclist who overstayed her welcome (what hag hasn’t?). I am not sure we will find another Nicky – oh such a small engine and oh such big results she pulled out of her arse. Her biggest win was last season in Charlotte, without teammates. But that’s what Nicky did. Like an annoying flu you could not shake (but a decent hill always could) she was sneaky, crafty and held on way longer than she possible should or could– and saved her one and only silver bullet for the end. When it counts. She had enough of a kick to outkick, and outkick she did in Charlotte.  Good-bye Nicky, we will miss you, your determination, grit and overachieving ways. But we will forget you faster than your kick.

Clara Hughes.  She was long forgotten. It’s what we do best in women’s cycling. Then she returned to make sure that some of our memories still worked. They didn’t.  She had to start again and so she did. She won. And won some more. But she did return when her biggest rival in the USA was still carrying baby fat (not the baby fat of juniors - the other kind - the baby fat of those who give birth) and it made her rise to the top fast, bringing the exorbitant, red head back up to the forefront of some of our memories, some of us, that is, that still had deep - albeit pushed way to the bottom of our long-term memory cache - smidges of something talented, big and red. Clara Hughes came rushing back into our peloton - and minds - fast and furious. And briefly.

After she lost the big one at the overblown O, she left as quickly as she came. So fast she could not even finish out the 2012 season. Now we are left with two memories of Clara, years apart (like seven or something ridiculous like that); we are left with two remnants of something preposterously red (the color is a key if you have not noticed) that will just clutter up our long-term memory vault – with the limited storage in these vaults we really need retired hags to stay retired.

And now the best for last: the last hag from the 2012 season, maybe the best there was and ever will be, finally re-retired. Kristin “I am the real” Armstrong came back after birthing a nuisance (aren’t all babies?) just to make our lives miserable again.  She succeeded.  At that, and her goal of winning gold at the big O.  And she just had to try and take the nuisance on the podium with her in London. So cliché. Thankfully saner O heads prevailed and said hell no.

Anyhow, you made your point KA. You already made that point pre-nuisance baby. You did not have to return. We had already moved on – we were oh, so close to forgetting. We knew you were the best TT’er in the world, but before we could completely forget, you came to remind us of your presence one more year, and now we have to re-forget all over again. Thanks. And good riddance.

So bye-bye to the hags of 2012.  But do not fret! The women’s peloton has an abundance, and there’s always up and comers on the horizon to fill your vacant saddles.  

Stay tuned for 2013 when we say ciao to a whole new gaggle of hags.

Monday, January 7, 2013

Serious Business: HFS Awareness

Hello to all of you “in the know,” we’re putting together our first out-reach initiative for the Anti-HFS Movement! We’re thinking fundraisers, 5k bicycle rides, and who knows, maybe even a coffee line (‘cause if that hunk of a man, McDreamy, can do it then why can't we?).

Woah, back-up. What the hell’s a HFS and good God, do I have it? Good question and I hope by the end of this blog post, you will be much more informed because while it may be a novel acronym, it is most certainly not a new disease.


Yep, that’s right. Helpless Female Syndrome. Ladies, have you ever been stranded on the side of the road because you couldn’t properly change your tire or perhaps, you don’t even own a 5 mil and have to take your bike to a LBS every time it squeaks? Do you b*tch, moan, and make the poor sap (who decided to date you) go to the store, make you dinner, buy your Midol, and rub your feet?* 
If, while reading the symptoms above, you nodded your head slowly or gave a faint chuckle that was quickly followed by a glance around the room to see who heard, you may be a victim of HFS. Now don’t get me wrong, not even bike gossip girl is immune to such a rampant syndrome as I’ve batted these long lashes once or twice to get what I want from those “so muscle-y and strong.” However, I’m fed up with the frequency of such events that I’ve observed in the peloton. Goodness Gracious! We’re racing our bicycles at 28 mph and risking our lives everyday that we head out on the road, and you can’t even pump up your own goddamn tires? That’s a problem - no, wait, that’s a syndrome and it now has a name – HFS – and I’ve got great plans to combat it once and for all.

Stay tuned at Bike Gossip Girl throughout the season and we’ll have updates via the research and development team behind HFS and at-home advice/remedies that you can use to fight this terrible, terrible disease.

You know you love me.
bike gossip girl

P.s. Who’d want to start an awareness movement without a signature plastic wristband (though likely to wind up in the Pacific Ocean and kill baby dolphins...)? Not us! We’re thinking lots of glitter. Coming to a peloton near you.

*In professional cycling, HFS need not solely apply to those without junk in the front, if you know what I mean**
** Apologies for the atrocious double negative but we just couldn’t forgive ourselves if we were to rob an unsuspecting Junior of its innocence without first experiencing the joys of a 52-11.

Friday, January 4, 2013


I’m going to dub this the week of the Question Mark. There are a lot of unanswered questions and we want to know your thoughts. Send us the dirrty:

Is women’s cycling so economically undesirable that sponsorship must equate to charity?
From what we can tell, that’s the route that Primal is taking in order to keep its team afloat in 2013. Those pioneering the money-raising efforts include Kori Seehafer, Joannie Caron, and Nicky Wangsgard. Have that New Years resolution to help others? Top recommendations this year: keep Sarah McLaughlin off the television by donating to the humane society, feed an African child, or sponsor a women's cycling team.  

Is Liz Hatch srsly un-“retiring”?
Yes, srsly! and joining a Belgian pro team no less. Goddammit, we were kidding when we said #BringHatchBack week 1. One good thing to come from this will be photographers finally having a reason to come to races early (i.e. before the Pro Mens’ race) in hopes of the perfect cleavage shot. #BustOut

Will Exergy Tour ever see the light of day?
Hell nah.

bike gossip girl

Sunday, December 30, 2012


As the rest of the world is moving forward in their support of women's cycling, it appears Australia is taking a different approach.

After one of their most successful years in quite a while (minus the Olympics), word on the street is that the women's AIS road program will make massive cuts for 2013. I guess the powers to be have their knickers in a twist after a poorer than expected showing at the Olympics, and the fact that girls they overlooked (think Rowney and Neylan), have been some of the breakthrough Aussie riders in 2012. Sour grapes anyone?

In another smart move, apparently all the national coaching contracts were renewed just before the Olympics. I wish my teachers gave me As and passed me to the next grade before I even sat the test! So it appears the boys club lives on, while the girls suffer the consequences. And we thought USUCK were bad! How bout AISHIT?!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Haters Gonna Hate.

While we’ve mostly had overwhelmingly positive feedback to our new blog site, we’d like to take the time to address the following email entitled, “What a Stupid F*king Idea”:

Folks complain about women's cycling not being taken seriously, then someone who is actively involved in the sport thinks something like this is actually a good idea? Good job of highlight the most irrelevant part of the sport and perpetuating the "cat fighting" mentality.
          Sincerely, JOD

Dear “JOD,”
     First of all, I would like to thank you for your suggestions to the site! We want this to be the people’s site, where one's voice can be heard, and all opinions are taken into account. While I, personally, will not be heeding your advice, I will address your lovely hate message. Though we, women racers, are primarily concerned with making money, being on the cover of Velonews, and plotting a full-on coup d'état of the good ole boys’ club (i.e. USUCK), we also enjoy a good laugh here and there. In fact, we think the peloton needs it as I’ve been lead to believe that people on the outside (i.e. non spandex-wearing folk) think we’re all lil’ cray cray, and quite frankly, we need to be able to have the adequate social skills to have relationships and get jobs after the cleats are hung up.
So, Joddy (mind if I call you Joddy?), do us a favor: don’t take it too seriously, enjoy a brewski, and for God’s sake, please lower that “holier than though” seatpost you’re currently ridin’ on. A free piece of dating advice: women might find it unattractive.

    Second of all, I’m curious… “JOD”… Jolly Ominous D-bag? Just [keep your mouths shut and leave it to us] Old Dude? or Just got Out Done [/chicked]?

    And lastly, JOD, as you might notice, I took the liberty to add the “Sincerely” before your name in your hate message to gift you with a little decency. Tis the Christmas season afterall! You're welcome.

With hugs and kisses,
Bike Gossip Girl

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Exergy2016 and Tibco roster release

Let's try this out!

Early 2013 roster release for Exergy2016 and Tibco!

Exergy2016 Roster:
Mara Abbott
Katy Antonneau
Rebecca Balboni
Jackie Crowell
Andrea Dvorak
Heather Fischer
Christa Ghent
Kristin McGrath
Greta Neimanas
Kayla Sterlin
Lauren Tamayo
Alison Tetrick
Jennifer Valente

Tibco Roster:
Anna Barrensfield
Chantal Blaak
Rushlee Buchanan
Jasmin Glaesser
Claudia Hausler
Nicole Justice
Joanne Kiesanowski
Amanda Miller
Meredith Miller
Lindsay Myers
Shelley Olds
Sam Schneider

How this site works


Thanks for checking out bike gossip girl.  We recently received the below email from someone:

Is this site real?

Is this site real and will any tips I offer truly be anonymous?

Boca Di Bici

We'd like to take this opportunity to explain to you how this blog works.  Bike Gossip Girl is all of us.  This blog contains posts from multiple authors - some who submitted many posts, some who submitted just one.  If you have some gossip that you'd like to share anonymously, this is your venue!

Here is how it works:

Email your post to:  You should write your email just as you would like the post to appear on the website.  Have the post title in the subject line of the email, and the post itself in the email body. Have your post written just as you would like it to appear on the website.  The admins of this website don't need to edit your work (although we might, if we feel like there is a good one liner that just needs to go in).

Also, no need for gossip to be long.  Of course, we love long funny posts with trite one-liners... but if you have some gossip that just needs to be out there, a sentence or two will do.

After you send an email, your post will display like this in the admin panel.

The picture above is to assure you that your submission is completely anonymous.  As you can see, when Boca Di Bici sent the above email to the, it just populated as a draft post automatically the blog -- with "bike gossip girl" as the author.  The admins have absolutely no idea what email any post came from.

After posts are submitted as drafts, the admins of the site will hit publish, and they will go on the blog - with "bike gossip girl" as the author.  It could be made so that emails you send are automatically published as posts, but we are concerned about spam, so for now they will go as saved drafts first.

So, there you see, everyone can be bike gossip girl~ no one knows who said what, not even the blog creators - who may not even write one post.

Any more questions?  Please ask us.  But more importantly, please send gossip posts!  We need lots more dirt on the peloton.